Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Sometimes i really don't understand myself. If i tell ppl i have stage fright, they don't believe me cos i've been in the performing arts for 11 years alr..first brass band then chinese orchestra.. -Sighs- I'm so lousy..i have alr given up so many chances to perform cos of my stupid stage fright.
Today in dazu i was the only gaohu player ma..goodness..i freaked out even in a dazu prac where there were not a lot of ppl. I was so freaked out that my heart was beating damn fast and i kept playing the wrong notes with squeaky noises. Wa lao. Damn pissed with myself. How could i make such stupid mistakes?! So pek chek with myself la. Sometimes i really wonder why i am so timid. So self-conscious..so scared of everything. There are so many things i wanna do..but always end up not doing them cos i freak out before i can do anything. I really admire those who have the guts to do things.
As for me, I will always end up hiding in a corner, secretly envious of those who are doing the things i like. I do have the chance to try but i always give them up cos i'm just too scared. :(
Yay. I am the loser with zero self-confidence, zero ability and zero motivation. All i want is to hide in a hole so that i won't be judged by anyone on this Earth.
I was damn hurt today when i was looked down upon by some ppl today. I didn't show my hurt openly but within me, i was crying. I was trying very hard to control my tears. Fortunately, i succeeded.
I think i am getting quite good at hiding my hurt cos i get hurt too easily. It feels terrible really. But who will understand rite..so..yup.
Damn that stage fright. Damn that timidity. Damn that cowardice. Damn myself.
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